Are we too quick to judge?

Part of the premise for this blog is that I don't have all the answers, but I love looking for them. So I'm just going to talk out loud for a moment. I don't know if I have this right, but I'd like to talk about it.

Yesterday, I saw some exchanges on twitter and facebook that bothered me and I've been thinking about them since. One friend who is a fitness professional observed someone making a less than ideal breakfast choice and tweeted her dismay at their choice.  Other friends responded (directly or indirectly) criticizing her for shaming people for their food choices. 

 Image adapted from Kooroshication on flickr.

Let me start by saying that I could have written either of those tweets.

I have judged people (sometimes silently and sometimes out loud) for their food choices and I'm not proud of it.

I have also judged people (sometimes silently and sometimes out loud) for one judgmental tweet or facebook status that they wrote and I'm not proud of it.

Reflecting on yesterday, I think the ideal response to the original tweet would have been to say: "Sometimes I have breakfast for dinner, sometimes I have dessert for breakfast. One meal isn't what matters, it is balance over time."  Not adding to the judgment, not judging her, just gently educating (which was likely her intent and the intent of those who replied to her, even if it didn't come across that way in either case).  Hindsight is 20/20.

My actual reply, which I'm not proud of, was: "I once saw a guy order 8 chocolate chip cookies at Starbucks at 8am. Thought maybe for a meeting he was hosting. But then he proceeded to sit down and eat them all." Yes, I judged that guy. I didn't judge him out loud (in person or on  social media) in that moment, but I did do so yesterday. Again, I'm not proud of it.

I'm trying to learn to be less judgmental of people based on one action (whether that is something they did or something they said). The article How One Stupid Tweet Blew Up Justine Sacco's Life is a good example of where things can go when we judge people based on one status update. Was her tweet wrong? Yes. Was the reaction to it (which I contributed to) out of proportion? Also yes.

Does this mean that I won't judge and that I won't call people or organizations out for bad decisions? No, absolutely not. But I'm going to try to save my outrage and my focus for patterns of wrongdoing, rather than individual instances. I'm going to try to pause before reacting and think about whether my response is a constructive one or just a knee-jerk reaction.

I say I'm going to try because I'm not perfect either and I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. I hope you'll forgive me for that.

Why I abandoned my popular social media presence

A couple of weeks ago, I had just under 80,000 twitter followers and just over 42,000 facebook fans, but now I don't. I decided a while ago that I was going to start this new blog, but I wasn't sure initially whether I should rebrand on social media (i.e. change my twitter handle and facebook page name) or just start fresh.

"You're giving away 80,000 followers?!", one twitter friend asked/exclaimed in a direct message when I explained what I was doing.

A lot of people have been surprised by my choice, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense and felt right.

When I started my first blog in 2008, my goal was to grow it. I didn't have specific financial aspirations related to the growth of my blog, but I wanted to share my ideas and I wanted to prove to myself that I had what it takes to grow a successful social media presence. I learned a lot during the seven years that I wrote a popular parenting blog, but I also learned what it means to become a victim of your own success.

Why are you on social media?

Have you ever stopped to think about why you are on social media? For me, it has always been about connecting with people, learning from my community, and contributing to that community. Page views, subscribers, followers and fans were never a stand alone goal. They were a means to an end -- the promise of a potential connection.

What I didn't realize at the time, however, was that the larger my blog became, the less time I would spend connecting with people and the more time I would spend sifting through spam and requests for help from people I don't know. These aren't people who wanted to connect with me. These are people who wanted access to my audience.

I love your blog! Could you....?

I still remember the first time a large parenting site put out a list of Top 50 mom bloggers. Everyone was either thrilled to be on it or annoyed that they (or their friend) had been overlooked. I wasn't on that list, but I was on numerous other lists after that point.

Being put on the Top 10 this and Top 50 that lists is flattering at first glance. In retrospect though, I think the only thing I gained from those lists was a spot on every PR person's e-mail blast list. I get:

• Press releases (for things related to my blog and things that are completely unrelated);
• Invitations to events that are far away from where I live (and no, they won't pay travel);
• High res images of new products or expensive vacation destinations;
• Requests to guest post on my blog from people I've never heard of on topics that are not of interest to my readers;
• Offers for product reviews, giveaways and sponsored posts (although my blog clearly indicated that I don't do those); and,
• Offers to interview "experts" of all kinds (to help the "experts" promote their new book, of course).

Lists lead to more lists (because one lazy editor just borrows another editor's list, makes a few changes, and republishes it) and more lists lead to more spam.

Over the years, I've clicked on unsubscribe links. I've reported messages as spam. I've set up template response e-mails and fired them off (no, I don't accept unsolicited guest posts, no I don't do product reviews, yes I accept ads and here are the specs). I've used unroll.me and e-mail filters to keep as much unsolicited e-mail out of my inbox as possible. The "spam from PR companies" folder that the filters send e-mails to is stuffed full of messages that I've never looked at. Unfortunately, so is my inbox. Technology only goes so far.

On my facebook page, I disabled the function that allows other people to post on the wall because 95% of the time it was spam. Every day I had to go in and delete comments on my facebook posts that were spam.  On twitter, if I logged in after being away from the computer for a bit, it was more spam --- support my kickstarter, retweet my blog post, share our new product with your followers, join our twitter sponsored party, retweet our contest. The more intrusive and egregious the request, the more likely it came completely out of the blue from a stranger.

What happened to listening and engaging with people? What happened to "how are you?" I remember when people used to complain about people tweeting what they had for breakfast. Perhaps they still do complain. That never bothered me though. At least their breakfast didn't want something from me.

Everyone is watching...

When my twitter followers and facebook fans started growing at a faster pace, I also felt like I lost sight of who was following me. I couldn't notice each new follower and take in who they were. I started to feel self conscious about everything that I posted. I had to assume at any point that through my own social media channels or through other people sharing my posts that anyone I know, even peripherally, could be following along. Slowly but surely, I started to feel like I was standing naked in the middle of a huge stadium but couldn't see the faces in the crowd. They might be people I know, but they might be strangers. They might be friendly, but they might not. They might be looking at me, or they might be trying to flag down the beer guy. Anything I wouldn't stand up and say it in front of a crowd of 120,000 plus people, I also couldn't say on any of my public social media spaces. I started to retreat to my personal facebook profile, where at least I had some idea who my 666 friends were (yes, that's my current creepy friend count).

Image credit: Steven DePolo on Flickr

...but no one is watching.

Not having a grasp on who was watching was disconcerting, but at the same time it also felt like no one was really watching. Perhaps no one is a stretch. But 80,000 twitter followers doesn't always translate into a lot of engagement or clicks. Anil Dash wrote about this in his article called Nobody Famous. People constantly ask him to re-tweet things that he has no interest in sharing. In his article he wrote that his large following isn't as valuable as people perceive it to be:

Worst of all: Nobody clicks. Well, not nobody, but out of about 550,000 followers on Twitter, it’s very common for fewer than 400 of them to click on a link I share. (That’s .07%!)

My experience on twitter was similar.  I was also on twitter's list of suggested people to follow from mid 2009 to mid 2011. I don't know why I was added to the list (nor was I ever notified) or why I was eventually removed. During that time period, my number of followers increased significantly. It had been growing quickly before that and continued growing quickly after that, but I probably gained at least 25,000 followers who joined twitter, followed a bunch of people, and never came back. Even people who were once active twitter users are not necessarily still active. That means that not all of my 80,000 followers are going to see the things that I tweet. Not even close.

For those of you who are analytics geeks like I am, this graphic compares my twitter analytics for my previous large twitter account with the analytics for my new smaller one. In both cases, it is for a fourteen day time period during which I was actively tweeting, but not over-actively tweeting.

Could I have gotten more engagement? Sure. I know how to play that game. Ask mundane questions that everyone has an answer for and tons people will jump in. If I were in it just for the numbers, I could get the numbers. I learned that a long time ago.

Although I had just slightly more than half as many facebook fans as twitter followers, I found the facebook page harder to give up. Despite many people's complaining about the facebook algorithm, it worked for me. When I posted things there, the reach ranged from thousands to tens of thousands to even upward of a million on a really good post. That translated into comments and clicks, in the hundreds to thousands to sometimes tens of thousands. But they were just numbers. So many of them were people who flew in, dropped a comment on one post, and then never said anything again. It didn't feel like a community and more often than not, I ended up playing referee.

Smaller and cozier

I logged into my new e-mail address today and do you know what I found? Other than a few social media notifications, I had just one e-mail. It was an e-mail from a friend just checking in to say hello. Such a breath of fresh air.

On twitter, I don't feel bombarded with spam and requests from strangers. When I see new interactions, they're usually interesting ones from people whose voices I value.

I don't know where this new blog and the related social media presence will go, but for now growth isn't a goal. Finding the right connections, and doing that slowly, is my path forward at the moment. 

I can't just look at the Grand Canyon

Fifteen years ago, I went to the Grand Canyon. I joined my mother at a conference and we added a couple of days to the trip to explore the area. As I was researching our trip and planning activities, I asked my mom if she wanted to hike the canyon with me. For health reasons, she didn't feel like she would be able to do the hike. So we drove to the Grand Canyon, parked the car, walked to the edge and stood in amazement for a couple of minutes. Then we looked at each other, asked "have you seen enough?", and we kept driving, heading towards the California coast. 

Three and a half hours of driving from Phoenix to 'ooh' and 'ah' for a couple of minutes. I stared at the Grand Canyon and it stared back at me. 

I've never been a good lurker or audience member or gallery visitor. Other people will read a blog for years and never leave a comment. Or attend long concerts sitting silently in their seat. Or stand and stare at a beautiful painting for ten minutes pondering all aspects of its beauty. I love beautiful things, but I love them in passing as I participate in life. Music is nice while writing or working out. Art is fantastic in public spaces or on a dining room wall. Writing is great if it provokes and invites discussion. 

Looking at the Grand Canyon wasn't enough for me. In the back of my mind, I knew that I had to go back. I had to conquer the canyon. So when I was planning to attend the Mom 2.0 conference in Phoenix this year, I could hear the Grand Canyon calling. I started training (on snowshoes!), prepared my gear and planned my route. 

The Hike

I arrived at the Grand Canyon the day before my hike. I checked into my room at the Bright Angel Lodge and set out to walk part of the rim trail and watch the sun set. The sunset wasn't spectacular (too many clouds), but the walk and the fresh air was great. After dinner, I packed my gear for the next day and went to sleep.

The next morning, I got up just before 5:00am and got ready to go. I grabbed a coffee as soon as they opened at 5:30am and headed towards the South Kaibab trailhead (on foot to Yavapai Point and then by bus to the trailhead). 

I left from the South Kaibab trailhead at 7:00am. Going down was harder than I thought. The rough terrain, the uneven steps down, the wind, and the steep dropoffs meant that I had to be slower and more focused than I planned. "I wonder how many people fall into the canyon and die?", I thought as I tried to grip the wall and avoid stepping in mule manure. I arrived at the Tipoff (the first bathroom on the hike and my turning point) two hours after I set off.  

After a quick break, I set off west along the Tonto trail. The only other person I saw on the Tonto was a trail runner who left the Tipoff at the same time as I did. Yes, there are trail runners in the Grand Canyon! While I remained focused on not tripping and falling to my death, trail runners sped past me, running confidently down the narrow uneven paths. For a while, I could see the runner ahead of me on the Tonto, but eventually she disappeared. She was wearing short shorts and knee high socks. New running fashion, I wondered. But I soon discovered that the socks were likely protection against the prickly bushes and cacti that stick out into the very narrow trail. 

It took me just under two hours on the Tonto before I reached Indian Gardens, my planned lunchtime resting spot. I found a picnic table under a big tree and got out my lunch. I ate my sandwich and chips, drank some juice, and was about to get ready to keep walking when the thunder started. A few rumbles turned into a downpour. So I stayed at Indian Gardens for a bit, where I could stay drier and less exposed than walking on the trail. After an hour of sitting, it was still raining but not as hard, so I continued on the trail. 

The path from Indian Gardens to the Bright Angel trailhead is the most difficult part of the hike. It is all uphill, on a steeper incline at some parts than others. After an initial gradual slope, the trail turns into a zig zag, back and forth, up the side of the canyon. There are rest houses, bathrooms and water every 1.5 miles on this 4.5 mile uphill climb. I reached the trailhead at 3:10pm, two hours after I left Indian Gardens and just over six hours from the time I left the South Kaibab trailhead. 

Hindsight and Dirtbag Cheerleaders

As you climb up the Bright Angel trail, you can almost always see where you came from. 
The paths already climbed and the ever smaller size of the resthouses already passed give you a sense of accomplishment. Like in life, hindsight is 20/20, but most of the time you can only see a short distance ahead of you. You always have a vague sense that you need to reach the rim, which is visible way up in the sky, but the path to get there isn't clear. How many more times back and forth? You don't know, so you just keep going, one step at a time. Even as I turned the last curve, I was surprised to see the sign marking the end of the trail. I thought I had a while to go still. 

I conquered the Grand Canyon. Looking wasn't enough for me. I needed to walk down and to carry myself back out. I needed to see the many different views and different perspectives. I needed to do that on my own strength with my own effort and at my own pace.

As I walked up, I was passed by several of those trail runners. One woman wearing a Dirtbag Runners hat said "you're doing a great job, that pack looks heavy" as she effortlessly sped past me. It sounded sincere, not condescending. It gave me a boost and helped me keep going. It also inspired me to compliment other hikers on their effort as I passed them by.  

We're all at a different place in life, tackling different challenges, with different levels of ease. I think we could all use more Dirtbag Runner cheerleaders giving us a boost along the way. Maybe it would inspire more of us to do more than just look at the canyon.